Season 20 of Big Brother premieres tonight, so what better time than now for some first impressions of the cast? I have done some extensive research on each houseguest (by “extensive” I mean that I’ve read their bios on the CBS website) so these should be pretty spot on.

STEVE

Age: 40

From: Wanaque, NJ

Occupation: Former undercover cop

We’ve already seen one undercover cop, Derrick (BB16), take home the $500,000 prize. Could we possibly see it again? Don’t let his age fool you, Steve could be a sneaky force this season. He may have lost a step or two since his football playing days at Northwestern University, but never underestimate a man that was nicknamed “The Hammer” in his college days (insert eggplant emoji).

SAM

Age: 27

From: Stuarts Draft, VA

Occupation: Welder

The country bumpkin of the cast. Sam likes anything that has to do with being outdoors, has never left her hometown, and enjoys catchin’ critters — like snakes and raccoons — with her bare hands. The dream woman for every lifted up truck driving guy that brags about how long his YETI cooler holds ice. However, there is more to Sam than her down home ways. She was a hair stylist before she became a welder. Her lethal combination of half sass, half badass, could take her a long way in this game.

HALEIGH

Age: 21

From: Village Mills, TX

Occupation: College student

Haleigh is a psychology major. Meaning she’ll, probably, spend more time over-analyzing the other houseguests personalities than actually playing the game. She seems like she has a solid game plan going into this season, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she found herself in a showmance that blows up her entire game (see Jessica BB19).

KAYCEE

Age: 30

From: San Diego, CA

Occupation: Pro-football player

Cody (BB19) is Kaycee’s favorite former houseguest. Need I say more?

TYLER

Age: 23

From: Rossford, OH

Occupation: Lifeguard

Alright, alright, alright. Tyler looks like the lovechild of Matthew McConaughey’s character from ‘Dazed and Confused’ and a chia pet. Safety first, kids.

BAYLEIGH

Age: 25

From: Lees Summit, MO

Occupation: Flight attendant

Bayleigh, Haleigh. There is a 1000% chance that I type the wrong name in a future blog about one of these two houseguests. Thanks, CBS casting. Bayleigh, with a B, says she gets hit on every day while being a flight attendant. So, it shouldn’t be anything for her to shut the male houseguests down after shooting their shot. Keep your eye on the prize, Bayleigh with a B.

KAITLYN

Age: 24

From: Plainview, NY

Occupation: Life coach

Oh, boy. Life coach Kaitlyn is either going to drive me insane by telling the other houseguests what they should be eating and how they should be living, or be my favorite houseguest with her psychic medium-like shtick just weirding everyone out. No middle ground here.

WINSTON

Age: 28

From: Somerset, KY

Occupation: Medical sales rep

Confidence is not an issue when it comes to Winston, saying he’s been mistaken for Justin Timberlake AND Ryan Reynolds. He, humbly, brags about holding his high school 40-yard dash record for over ten years and counting. I fully expect to hear some good old-fashioned “back in my day” stories about his high school football playing days.

ANGIE “ROCKSTAR”

Age: 34

From: Columbia, MD

Occupation: Stay-at-home Mom

If you told me Angie was RiFF RAFF’s sister, I would have to believe you.

JC

Age: 28

From: Miami, FL via Spain

Occupation: Professional dancer

When I read that JC was a professional dancer and 4’8″, my mind went straight to Officer Goodbody from Friends.

BRETT

Age: 25

From: Oakdale, CT

Occupation: Cybersecurity engineer

Ahhhh, we have a numbers guy. A real brainiac with the capability to hack into all of our bank accounts and rob us dry. Probably has some type of analytical game plan that none of us will understand, but will likely help him in the long run seeing that Big Brother is more about brains than brawn.

ANGELA

Age: 26

From: Hilton Head, SC

Occupation: Fitness model

Angela is going to be a tough out for the other houseguests. She describes herself as “kind of a freak athlete” that loves to compete. A professional track-and-field athlete that seems to have a strong game plan going in. Good luck to the rest of the house, because Angela is my preseason favorite to win it all (which means she won’t even make jury).

SCOTTIE

Age: 26

From: Shorewood, IL

Occupation: Shipping manager

A 26-year-old virgin that has NEVER been kissed. Boy, oh boy, is the Big Brother house going to be a culture shock for little Scottie. I’m willing to bet that there is more hooking up in the Big Brother house than on The Bachelor/Bachelorette combined. Stay strong, Scottie. Stay strong.

FAYSAL

Age: 26

From: Orlando, FL

Occupation: Substitute teacher

Faysal admits to wetting the bed until he was 10-years-old. Let’s not be too quick to judge. Show of hands, how many of you have pissed the bed after a long night out at the bar? *slowly raises hand* Alcohol can be a real bitch sometimes.

RACHEL

Age: 29

From: Myrtle Beach, SC

Occupation: Vegas entertainer

Now a resident of Las Vegas. In Rachel’s bio, she states, “I use my power over men to make huge tips on the job.” A Vegas entertainer that uses her power over men to make more money. I know, we’re all thinking it. Rachel is a magician, right? I’d love to catch one of her shows sometime.

CHRIS “SWAGGY C”

Age: 23

From: Bridgeport, CT

Occupation: Day trader

Let’s talk about how Chris straight up stole this nickname from now NBA champion, Nick “Swaggy P” Young. 1000% sure “Swaggy C” gave himself his nickname by the way.